Google has forsaken me.
And you know it’s going to be an interesting day when you have to spend the first several hours of it image searching for things like “unidentified eyeball spiders” and “how to prevent eye spiders.” Or basically anything combining the words “spider” and “eyeball.”
Teal deer version, I woke up with a spider in my eye.
Well, not, like, in my eye. On it. Just kind of chilling in my eyelashes like it was a thing spiders are supposed to do.
At first I felt a kind of pressure on my eyelid, so I went to rub my eye… And then felt it run across my face. He paused on the mattress and raised his little boxing-glove pedipalps as if he was as shocked by this development as I was.
Now, while creepy, this may not strike anyone else as particularly significant. That’s because these people are pampered innocents who have never had a black widow just furiously tearing ass out of the middle of a roll of toilet paper before. Coupled with the fact that there are, as far as I know, no known spider species that prefer to make their nests in living eye sockets… that made identifying the type of spider using my personal orbital cavity like a papasan chair take a special priority.
The good news? It was a jumping spider of the species Salticidae, most likely a Phidippus johnsoni. A male, judging by the large pedipalps. They aren’t large, or poisonous, and are pretty common, but can give a painful bite. So, basically, try not to get them in your eyes.
The bad news? Literally everything else about this story.